"Avril's Asset here!!"

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

once again. a long time not posting my blog for some time.

there's only one reason i stopped posting blog.

army.

i do not wish to reveal why, but just won't feel like saying.

i just start to feel more and more inferior. when talking. and having my actions done.

this. isn't a good feeling.

the only time i get to relax is when i can be alone or do things without worries. meaning when i am not doing anything while not being in camp.

i decided not to talk about the time when i am in camp. but just that i feel that i am getting more and more. feeling worst inside.

i do not know how to tell this to anyone. i got enough of the feeling of whining my thoughts to others when they only will say things that i am this i am that and i am always giving myself the trouble and the excuses to myself.

but wait. there's a lot of reasons that no one would understand what i am going through. speaking out doesn't solve anything nor does it make myself feel better as i might get insulted and get myself feeling even worse. i hate that feeling. i can't think well when i am faced with facts like this when i have totally no option or choice in my hands.

i hate what i am going through now. but time is the only solution to many things.

i hope i can get over everything soon before i break down once more.

i've had another near panic attack situation for me.

i plainly stopped myself from getting it.

but i don't think i can hold it back any longer.

i hate the feeling of being suppressed and being unable to do what i love to do.

i wonder am i a failed being or a failure in life that i am like this.

let myself pray i do get better.

time is the only thing i will get to have things solved.

♥Ran ♠Miki ♣Su ♦Dia @ 9:36 PM

Sunday, January 24, 2010

once again. another chinese new year that's coming. =)

i've got a few wants. so i have to save up for them

ps3. and games $500++
new motherboard. $4xx
4 gig rams. $2xx
1tb hdd. $1xx

>.<

and getting baby a new watch! =)

♥Ran ♠Miki ♣Su ♦Dia @ 10:35 PM

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

bored.
weeks passed by.
anxiety hmm.. somewhere around de same =) no ups nor down.
had bad slp waking up crying. but din blog till now den update.
was a nightmare so sad that i had to cry waking up and my pillow was in bad condition at that time LOL =/

waiting for ord. >.<

♥Ran ♠Miki ♣Su ♦Dia @ 8:30 PM

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

another day. of

today was quite nice.. =) a little amount of work and a whole lot of time for myself =)

read forum and saw a poor guy having a gf that is giving him a real hard time of his life..

say..

he tries to satisfy his gf and no matter how or what he do... the girl gets fed up easily.. hmmm which i find almost all women have similar characteristics bah?

but then.. the sad part comes.. even if he do small things and buy gifts. the girl don't show any form of unhappiness.. or even when he purposely try to make his gf jealous it doesn't work at all..

and when in public or at home he tries to talk to the gf about how he is feeling.. the girl says. hey even my mother oso nv shout at me or tell me what to do. what are you trying to do by saying *blah blah blah* and can even use F*** or _|_ kinda thing.. i was like O.o

and she doesn't make any romantic stuff or try to make their relationship more happy.. man.. i find tt guy is really sad.. and he can even say that he spent at least 5-10k over the years just to make her happy.. randomly buy he gifts like psp and phones and blah blah.. and im like.. woah.. and he still said he have to lend her $$ or even the parents $$.. its like omg de pathetic..

i am really lucky my girlfriend treats me really well.. i really treasure what i have now too..

but still looking at him.. still makes all man sad.. that includes me too..

when in the past i lost my mind and lost my O level result standard.. it wasn't worthed it.. i know it.. and i regret it.. but there's nothing much i could do right now... all i can do is look at the past and try hard to forget and just continue.. just... pitiful.. yea this is the word..

♥Ran ♠Miki ♣Su ♦Dia @ 9:54 PM

Sunday, December 06, 2009

the weekend is over.

米修米修米修。。。

hmm.. this week was.. rather fast.. i guess..

was in camp.. sick previously.. but the illness stayed with me since last week.. my gastric became worse and eventually had an acid reflux and caused my throat to get burned and i am down with real bad inflammation.. was having real headache and small feverish feeling.. went to see doc and got medicine for inflammation/cough and swelling in nose throat and i don't know anywhere else..

and we went to alvin's birthday party ytd.. hmm.. its really good to have so many friends that are so supportive.. thou u are at times forgotten.. but its good when people still remember the times when you laughed with them together and reminiscing the past.. and here i wonder if one day i ask them out. for a gathering.. how would mine be like.. i guess many will not turn up..

over the weekend.

dear dear came over my place to stay.. i'm glad. i'm happy. but there's always many 舍不得

and to me.. the time together.. may have been 24 hours a day but still.. its never enough..

part of this feeling inside me.. has been stuck for real long time..

this feeling of rejection.. i don't know. but i just realised.. the feeling really.. is very very bad..

the feeling of giving up to ask for things already.. i know its when sometimes.. people should still try.. but when trying gets hard.. its really difficult to even imagine the thought of having the chances to appreciate..

i know this is a sudden part of what i wanted to post.. cause i felt really.. empty suddenly..

from young i have always been.. rejected. neglected.. thou it might be seen at it is this way.. but to me.. inside my heart.. it has always been this way.. i felt very very lonely.. but at the same time.. i feel normal to being lonely. like this is a usual feeling that i won't feel bad either..

im just waiting.. to get over with my nsf life and get on.. i hope my anxiety or depression will really get over... i don't want another blackout time of my life.. my experience had been enough.. i don't want another one..

♥Ran ♠Miki ♣Su ♦Dia @ 9:01 PM

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

Weird.

i just don't know whats wrong.. some how.. my mood just isn't very gd.. the sense of rejection sucks.. even thou it doesn't really meant this way.. but the feeling is just that way..

really.. dislikes this feeling..

♥Ran ♠Miki ♣Su ♦Dia @ 11:19 PM

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

i made her angry.
just stubbornly deep in love with you
cuz my words din mean the way i wanted to speak.
dear dear. i don't like to make u angry or know that u are angry cuz of me
perhaps i just aint suitable to speak.
cuz it makes me feel really useless and disappointed.
i duno why.. my words seem to look like im giving excuses to you at times.. but truthfully i don't mean anything else. i just want to say how i feel.
i still nid to learn. really.. i don't how to behave with people nor to get close with them unless they wants to get close to me
im like in a world of my past of a real big big big kind of circle.. and u are the world out of it..
but i don't have all the time to get closer to you and let myself turn into the kind that will make u feel indefinite happiness yet
and when im out of it. i feel brighter happier and i wish that u will remain there for me to be part of my world..
but i nid time to do it. cuz this is me. im slow but i know what i want and i just want you.
(wanted to put a picture up but i can't seem to draw it out thanks to my ****ed up mouse)

i really love u.

♥Ran ♠Miki ♣Su ♦Dia @ 12:22 AM