"Avril's Asset here!!"

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Serious talks takes serious heart

lately.. things have been getting out of hand.

i admit. i am weak hearted at times with certain situations.

but i do not admit that i will leave things as it is.

i can't stand the feeling of being weak.

i've been weak for 20 years of my past.

let this year be the difference. none other than this time will ever let things go out of hand after this.

i found the problem and the cause that is actually causing me to feel bad.

let this be the point where i turn the tables around.

i will show myself a path of light where i can find myself in the place i want to be.

a weak man that is having the will to grow.

let me call out to myself once more.

i am Cai HanChuan. i name myself an english name Rell.

i want to be successful in life which i believe i can reach what i aimed for as years to come.

today.. i breakdown in the camp. i don't really understand why this is actually happening to me. i admit that i might be suffering a lot of my mental state and feelings. i doubt i can still control them as well as before which i was standing on stage and looking at the crowds of people singing and performing to people.. i want to be a shining person whom people will remember me of in the years to come at the last of my life. my will is to live a glorious life.

i know that facing the problems is the only way of solutions. but i will make my solutions. be it difficult of easy. i will make it out. i will prove that i have to will that even lightnings that cut skies shall never be able to make my will become bent.

dear dear. ps. i didn't really wanted to make you worry. im a lot better now. =) trust me.. let this be over 1st. and i will turn and grow. into an even stronger man that before.

♥Ran ♠Miki ♣Su ♦Dia @ 7:25 PM

Sunday, April 19, 2009

firstly i must apologise to christina. sorry about ytd ur bdae party. i can't turn up. i took the medicine and wasn't feeling well and i didn't know that my phone can't cannot connect to the service.. i can't dial up phone calls and neither can i sms out.. sorry about this seriously.

next is that i have been worried about my camp life. omg... i duno why i am feeling this way.. my pc which is a warrant is giving me fear.. a sort of fear that is making me unable to feel natural at all... the sort of unable to do anything well de feeling.. its pressurising me.. i don't know who to go to.. goin to the doctor ? at this moment?? i have no idea at all..

telling my dear girl can only help me calm myself down for a while or even at no use at times..
its only disappointing my girl which oso hurts my heart to see her sad and even know that she is sad and i can only do NOTHING AT ALL..

haiz... i need to get out of that place seriously.. that sir is driving me crazy.. as well as working as a technician.. i din know working there will be this kinda dirty.. i don't know why i dislike or rather. i hate this kind of environment.. it makes me feel distorted and uneasy.. the feeling sucks big time seriously.

lets hope this few day will be able to make me feel better le..

♥Ran ♠Miki ♣Su ♦Dia @ 10:37 AM

Saturday, April 18, 2009

okay 1stly.. i wanna talk abt is that my windows live messenger doesn't seem to like me at all.. till now i can't log into that using my blitzark@hotmail.com account. so pls people. add me at rell_cai@live.com.sg with my deepest thanks. =)

ok.

back to actual things to talk abt..

this few days was passing by so sudden that i din actually noticed.. >.<
and then was suddenly to my dear girl's birthday already.. 21st already ahz.. hahas.. happy bdae!!! im yours always! haha.. with a present for a birthday of cuz =)

hope these days and the others to come would be of cuz gd and getting better for both of us together. =)

and the cake is really beautiful.. it suits my dear dear.. its sweet and pretty.. just like you! =)
today went out for dinner at sun with moon.. okay its a gd place to dine at but the pricing rather ex.. >.< its a real gd deal to ever try the food there.. especially the ala cart items in the menu. just 2 items i list out, the spicy cream scallop and the okonomiyaki is able to both of us filled with limitless saliva flowing out lols.. =x

hmmm.. and abt my moods.. still.. its swings.. but im telling myself to try hard and nt feel bad and think of other things.. its working.. but i still need time.. it doesn't seem to just go off just at a blink of an eye.. >.< hope tonight i can slp well.. the nap i had in the afternoon and last night's slp wasn't that good.. maybe tonight i shall need to take the slping pill already.. hmm.. hoping nt to take it just yet..

hope u like the present i gave u ah dear dear.. and hope my illness(moods) din really affect how you are feeling.. im trying hard to get better.. really.. but somehow some way i can still think of camp and get afraid and tensed up and just thinking abt the next appointment is at may 7th.. that's which is rather long way to go.. i still have to wait.. i feel.. rather bad.. especially on the night afterwards.. ahh.. help ahh =( hope tmr the doc can help me about it.. =(
i love you deep deep many many =x and your smile always fill me with the deepest happiness within my heart.. ( its TOO~ GOOD!~ haha!! )

tmr shall have another appt le.. rather anxious about it.. duno what and how to react.. ahhh >.< help ahhh.. seriously thinking and trying to control my mood...

i will strive hard to get a gd bdae the years to come.. the nxt celebration to think of is our 1st yr anniversary of us together!! thou its still have like 4 more months to go. but we still have to make it a gd one! =)

♥Ran ♠Miki ♣Su ♦Dia @ 12:16 AM

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

ok went to see my camp mo and my sir today.
hmm.. duno why. after stepping into the camp today thinking im holding an mc goin back in. i felt a sort of terror or fear.. a deep fear of goin towards the camp.

shivering from inside my body..
then i saw the mo.. but b4 that i saw my sir riding his bicycle back home and trying to get around. the place for a cycling time... but then. he saw me in my dad's van and was looking at me suspiciously and said i wasn't suppose to bring along my parents..

hmmm... den finally show-ed mo the paper and had an interview.. hope i would be able to get out of there asap.. and get to see the psychiatrist as soon as possible too =(

hmm.. dear dear ahz.. dun so emo le ahz.. im goin to be fine le.. =) i'll make sure ur bdae is the best bdae ever that u ever gonna have!! =)

♥Ran ♠Miki ♣Su ♦Dia @ 10:45 AM

Monday, April 06, 2009

weeks passed.

finally it is april already.

my chest pain finally somewhat got a diagnosis. hope it is this way that my chest hurts with a reason.

this reason is found out after i got to have seen a psychiatrist and he said i have panic disorder and is starting to make me have depression.. so i suppose it is making me feel sad and sort in the past weeks.

just last week i felt up and down for no reason.
like on thurs. i started to cry in camp.. very emotional.. and then the coming nxt day which is friday i cried again and seeked help from the MO but there wasn't any help coming from him either.

then at night finally met up with my poor dear dear that has been worrying so much for me...

sorry ah dear dear.. make you worry le =(
hope the coming week will make you happy le!!
especially at nsrcc for ur big big day!! =)

ok carry onto saturday.. cried when i finally met up with my dear dear again.. din really have any gd slp for the past few days.. waking up too early liao.. and unable to concentrate on much things.. can't seem to appreciate everything that my dear gf do for me.. i wonder is it me or wad..

but when she cried i could still feel a little sadness.. but it doesn't make me superbly sad.. somehow i was numb.. =( but still.. we hanged out. had some fun in a way.. hope she's feeling alright.. and went to see DFC promotions at heeren. ok their songs they composed is real nice!! i like them really =) take a chance to listen at least and maybe buy their EP!! show them support!! we nid to show support to singapore's artiste isn't it? and they are doing gd too!! they have good voices and things.. but of cuz. bands are meant for live shows.. not just thru discs!! try to get a chance to listen to their live concerts! =)

den sunday.. ok.. this is where my mood seriously turned numbed..
i duno what happened again tt day.. only know my dear sufferred a lot again.. even went to see some chinese god to pray for help for me and somehow maybe it worked out.

my dear ahz. dun be so sad.. ok?

den den.. today.. went to camp. this time i felt nauseatic when i start to having the thought of getting myself dirty and sorts again.. damn disgusting feeling.. and thought of goin to report sick to MO.. and then halfway, i vomited at a drainage area... =x
den den. saw mo and took mc and went home to rest.. on bed i can't really fall aslp but around 30 mins or 1 hour later i fell aslp but still i woke up suddenly again.. and then decided to go see a specialist and finally got hold of everything of what is goin on with me.. hope im doing gd and alright..

ahhh.. i duno why feeling slight dizziness when concentrating at things too long and i can't seem to remember much now.. >.< maybe im just too tired to concentrate. hope my slp will get better bah.. tmr still have to endorse MC and still i have to see that 1WO gautama. omg.. help..
hope i will get out of there ASAP!

and thanks mum. i felt that u did a lot for me... thanks.. this i couldn't say out. hope one day. u will feel it too.. >.<
and to dear dear.. im goin to be fine de no worries =)

♥Ran ♠Miki ♣Su ♦Dia @ 8:51 PM