today was in camp.. many things had happened..
some people created a mess.. they tried to avoid all possible problems.. and pushed all the fault to someone and that someone had no chance to say anything about it and aha.. he got the blame however..
then..
my dear din get quality sleep last night.. was having a lot of pains from her bottom rib area which she suspected.. but din turn out to be there.. as the doc said its from some muscles issues..
and hmm.. i've been thinking.. about what kind of person i am..to others.. am i a gd friend?to others.. im a bad person?to dear dear.. am i doing anything very bad??
it seems like.. i can't seem to satisfy most of the qns i stated.. and it seems that the answer i got is making my feelings bad..
and at times when i am feeling unhappy or angry about things.. it seems like i just can't get the feeling to get angry and show my temper..
but then when i feel sian or pissed off with how people handle their moods against me.. i too.. hope that other's will think about hey.. han chuan is actually trying his best too.. he didn't really did anything that kind of bad to recieve that kind of treatment from anyone right? all man have a temper i believe.. but its me that one person that controls their temper and controls their environment.. but when on gets angry and pissed off.. one has no control over anything and will only make anyone uncomfortable..
and one thing too.. try to think of how the other is thinking and feeling.. it might be a totally different story.. when you get to know.. it might be totally a different thing when it comes to how one person looks at the situation from another's shoes..
e.g.X talked to Y :hey.. rmb to complete ur revision exercise ah!!
Y replied.ok~ but then by 3 hours later..
X to Y :hey so hows everything??
Y replied.:ah~ i missed it again din think it was very possible for me to complete it..
X then said :omg why the hell did you not do your things properly!! do you not know the importance of this work? and if you had completed it and we can go do whatever we want immediately without anything to interrupt!!(decided to help out.. )
but then in the matter of fact.. X was helpin out with a temper and Y was feeling very bad..Y was thinking.. i really din think of how to complete it.. and X wasn't very satisfied with Y..
here is the story.. lets analyse.. X is unhappy.. with the fact that things will be interrupted and turns things unhappily cause of the snowball effect that X wishes to do with Y as time is a concern.
Y is feeling bad too but he can't really do anything to help the situation and can only hope that X can notice that he too is feeling bad inside hoping that he can turn the situation around gradually.
if X was willing to be more patient and try to approach in a more friendly way Y would nt have felt so bad and things can still go on at most 1 more hour or so.. there's definitely a better solution than filling yourself with anger over a time of 1 hour making both parties to get stimulated with unhappiness..
and if Y is willin to ask even further and try to communicate more about how X was feeling about it.. and try to get into deeper thoughts with X.. things might not have turn out into a nasty situation..
so. anything think what they could have done??2 things as stated above.. either person X could have told Y to do everything and communicated with Y and also not get into the temper and things still goes on as usual at most with a snowball reaction of 1 hour follow on..
or Y have to ask more about how X is thinking and feeling about everything and ask how X thinks Y could have done it better before anything could have happened..
♥Ran ♠Miki ♣Su ♦Dia @ 9:43 PM
Thursday, May 28, 2009
haiz.. not in a gd mood any more..
down down down.. ytd in camp i suddenly down.. b4 meeting dear dear my mood super sad.. cried suddenly when in bus.. just like the panic mood.. i felt nothing at the instance.. emptiness inside.. lost.. like the whole world is moving on without my knowledge of it turning..
like im a lost soul walking on land just because im supposed to be there and knowing im supposed to be there..
my mood aint something that i can control at all.. which this is.. a problem..
its not normal for me these days.. i know it on my own.. i have a serious thinking problem..
at normal times im feeling normal.. but randomly i'll feel bad.. either super sad or if nt is nothing much..
in the end im just trying hard to get along and feel my way through..
dear dear.. i need to say this.. i am having a real hard time to get proper rest.. rmb i said nights with marathon nightmares?
waking up with racing heartbeat?
having a lot of thoughts at the moment b4 i wake up thou im nt sure why im supposed to be thinking at all??
its draining my concentration.. my energy to feel. its weaker.. and im feeling pains as usual all the while.. my pains haven go away.. my mood nv really turn into a very gd one. just that its nt worsening like it was in camp..
and the change of environment.. im still trying to adapt to it by treating everything with a smile and accepting the things as they come.. anyone can say im expecting too much or say im childish to think of things that are not meaningful or useless or what but i can say sometimes its really way out of my control.
the way i treat people.. is the way i hope people will treat me.. if im unhappy about something.. i would nv try to make others feel bad same way either..
and people around me.. i too have something to say..
i have a thought that is..
things don't really change much.. the values and meanings of things.. is from the way we get to decide how much worth they are..
so in other words.. some things don't really change unless they are damaged or they are different totally on the outside..
sometimes its just from our perspective of view might have changed..
just like some people likes animals.. but as time passes.. they might have forgotten that.. they still wanna be playing with their masters like in the past just that the owners have thought of excuses of like the dog is too weak or too tired.. or rather.. the owner is simply to bored of many things..
moral of story.. don't look at things from the outside.. maybe its from our point of view that has changed.. sometimes when your're upset about something.. try thinking.. is there any point that might have been my own problem that i actually find unhappiness from the thing im looking at?
♥Ran ♠Miki ♣Su ♦Dia @ 10:36 PM
Thursday, May 21, 2009
finally im going to be posted out to new unit today..
ahhh.. worried about how people are there and how will i be treated and is it a stay in vocation.. >.<
super worried..
and i miss dear dear.. =(
♥Ran ♠Miki ♣Su ♦Dia @ 6:33 AM
Friday, May 15, 2009
another time i'm coming online to blog already.. it has been a real long time since i've last blogged..
this time.. its about serious thoughts i have been going through my mind..
the difference between people..
everyone is different.. how do "you" coexist with the others?
to me. i've always think that. treat all those around you that are important to you gd. so that one day when u don't get to seem them anymore. you won't regret it... so treasure every moment possible i can get and have that i truly treasure and make it only for the "me" and "you".
when we are together. i rarely think about how others would think of me.
in my world.
seriously you are the only being in the world of mine.
other than that... they are just somewhere in the universe.. thou affecting me in some ways. but always far from me.. so i wouldn't really bother.
im sure there are people who are different from one another and yet. still they are together. though they share different values in life and yet they share their life of joy and pain together.
that is how i hope i could share my life of joy and pain with the one i love.(that is you of cuz and no one else)
don't leave me there and just let me be. i'll be lonely. i'll be sad.. i'll be crying till no end...
(don't make us apart.. its tearing me apart)
♥Ran ♠Miki ♣Su ♦Dia @ 12:24 AM
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Serious talks takes serious heart
lately.. things have been getting out of hand.
i admit. i am weak hearted at times with certain situations.
but i do not admit that i will leave things as it is.
i can't stand the feeling of being weak.
i've been weak for 20 years of my past.
let this year be the difference. none other than this time will ever let things go out of hand after this.
i found the problem and the cause that is actually causing me to feel bad.
let this be the point where i turn the tables around.
i will show myself a path of light where i can find myself in the place i want to be.
a weak man that is having the will to grow.
let me call out to myself once more.
i am Cai HanChuan. i name myself an english name Rell.
i want to be successful in life which i believe i can reach what i aimed for as years to come.
today.. i breakdown in the camp. i don't really understand why this is actually happening to me. i admit that i might be suffering a lot of my mental state and feelings. i doubt i can still control them as well as before which i was standing on stage and looking at the crowds of people singing and performing to people.. i want to be a shining person whom people will remember me of in the years to come at the last of my life. my will is to live a glorious life.
i know that facing the problems is the only way of solutions. but i will make my solutions. be it difficult of easy. i will make it out. i will prove that i have to will that even lightnings that cut skies shall never be able to make my will become bent.
dear dear. ps. i didn't really wanted to make you worry. im a lot better now. =) trust me.. let this be over 1st. and i will turn and grow. into an even stronger man that before.
♥Ran ♠Miki ♣Su ♦Dia @ 7:25 PM
Sunday, April 19, 2009
firstly i must apologise to christina. sorry about ytd ur bdae party. i can't turn up. i took the medicine and wasn't feeling well and i didn't know that my phone can't cannot connect to the service.. i can't dial up phone calls and neither can i sms out.. sorry about this seriously.
next is that i have been worried about my camp life. omg... i duno why i am feeling this way.. my pc which is a warrant is giving me fear.. a sort of fear that is making me unable to feel natural at all... the sort of unable to do anything well de feeling.. its pressurising me.. i don't know who to go to.. goin to the doctor ? at this moment?? i have no idea at all..
telling my dear girl can only help me calm myself down for a while or even at no use at times..
its only disappointing my girl which oso hurts my heart to see her sad and even know that she is sad and i can only do NOTHING AT ALL..
haiz... i need to get out of that place seriously.. that sir is driving me crazy.. as well as working as a technician.. i din know working there will be this kinda dirty.. i don't know why i dislike or rather. i hate this kind of environment.. it makes me feel distorted and uneasy.. the feeling sucks big time seriously.
lets hope this few day will be able to make me feel better le..
♥Ran ♠Miki ♣Su ♦Dia @ 10:37 AM
